I took a week off of work...

 What have been my realizations after spending the entire week doing almost zero work. All I permitted myself to do was routing of labels for my approval which came Monday and Wednesday last week. 

A major realization for me is that I’m exactly how I was when I had to take a month off of work sometime in 2014 or 2015. Back then I was single, and had the luxury of being able to stay in California for a month to sort myself out. Come back, to a totally different position, non-technical. I came home the Philippines feeling refreshed and renewed from exploring and traveling by myself. 

However coming from that.. it seems that the triggers I had then to end up in a mental breakdown is still the same as the triggers I have now, some 7 years later.  It was also stemming from the same thing... which is absorbing too much negativity from people who open themselves up to me about work. Lugging around my own luggage, it just became too much to bear. For them, the people who open themselves up to me, they can move on after speaking to me and live life normally. However, for my highly sensitive, empathetic personality type, I then absorb it, making it my own unknowingly because there’s this tiny sense of responsibility being one of the people who started the company. 

Learning and trying to set some changes in my work life - especially with the whole work from home set up.. I need to establish some boundaries. Set cut offs, schedules, maybe delegate here and there. But what I really need to work on is to not be totally 200% available emotionally. Because it takes too much from me. 

A major realization also is that work is set up in a way that us, as founders will just be hand cuffed to the job. Since so many things, big and small are for our approval.  This will not enable us to have much freedom unless we learn to empower and trust people to do some of these approvals for us. 

Hello Sadness, Hello Loneliness

 What’s been going on... Between the last entry I posted from September last year... I got pregnant with our second baby.. We're having a baby girl! 

Work’s been tough. I feel that 2020, despite the adjustment to the new normal, I’ve kept my spirits pretty high - unnaturally high I guess. Because now I’m experiencing a spirit crash. 

I’ve identified that I'm probably experiencing prenatal depression.. you know how like you get depression while you're pregnant. 

I've experienced: 

-having high anxiety 

-being super unmotivated and nothing could convince me otherwise 

-thought about ending my life 2x this year just because I could not bear with the pressure on my shoulders anymore 

Life seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.. Covid and pandemic not ending anytime soon. 

Speaking to by bestfriend who is in Korea and thinking that maybe the next time she'll meet my kids would be when they're teenagers. 

Today, I'm going to try doing something about it. 

Some steps I'm going to try to take today: 

1. ban fried food in the house and introduce more fruits and vegetables. 

Our yaya is the one cooking and making decisions in the kitchen coz I'm just always down and tired after all the work day's stress, so I'm gonna try and make an effort so she doesn't just carelessly prepare our meals, especially Chew's

2. try to move. 

I've not had the ability to go for my walks because I feel like I need to be stuck near my laptop just in case some urgent thing happens at work and it made me just wait around the home office lying down and listlessly waiting for the inevitable things to unravel at work. 

I guess that's up to the extent of what I can do at the moment. Banning caffeine  - not up for that just yet.

Jobs inspired me to not be inspired

 The movie about Steve Jobs called Jobs just came out on Netflix and my husband and I watched it tonight. 

I’ve read up, watched and known Steve Jobs for awhile and know how huge of an icon he is for our century and generation. 

As I watched the end credits and saw his life story unfold, learned about what he has done...just re-affirmed the fact that despite being the peg of every innovator, entrepreneur - Jobs is absolutely not my cup of tea.

I quietly told Josh: “I don’t feel inspired by him. He’s.... vile.” 

Unpopular opinion, I have no drop of blood in my body that aspires to be like him. 

“So who actually inspires you?” Josh asked. 

That’s a damn good question because no one really came to mind at that very moment. 

As I brought sleeping Chewie upstairs and prepared to settle down for the night, I was lost in thought in the shower with the resounding question: Who inspires you? 

My mom - for being so loving, caring and raising us. She’s the epitome of a woman to me, graceful but with quiet strength. 

Morgan Harper Nichols. She just gets lost in her thought and beautiful words and artwork come out of it. An encourager who brings positivity through her art. A new mom like me. 

Z! Feminine, hardworking, introvert Z who just happens to accomplish so much without making it about her and her own personal branding. A silent force of good - not only through her art but also in her love for those in need. 

Thinking about the women who came to mind as inspiring led me to the conclusion that I am not inspired by the greatness, the impact, the outright glamour... I am inspired by qualities. Qualities that I give importance to and qualities that I aspire to have. 

Another question worth pondering about for me was, when am I most proud of what I am doing?  

This will be for a different day. 

2 epiphanies.

Wow..I’ve outdone myself. 2 posts this year and it’s only July!

So I’ve been going through some stuff for the past 2-3 weeks...or practically the whole of July. The heart wrenching, focus-robbing anxiety is back.

I feel like I’ve been doing something for the past 2 years that I thought I’d get the hang of, I thought I’d learn as I used to do in all my previous experiences but somehow I feel like I didn’t.

Has my learning curve changed? Has giving birth and getting an epidural caused my brain to function way less than before? Probably.

With this pandemic not ending any time soon, the lack of venues for me to relieve stress has probably driven me insane.

In previous years it will only take a bottle of beer and nachos with Hannah,  or a short trip to the mall with a makeup or clothing purchase or if we wanna go waaaay back, I’d be spontaneously scheduling a flight for a solo trip to Seoul.

But now, with Chewie and this huge elephant-in-the-room pandemic, I feel like the whole situation robbed me off all my coping mechanisms.

No, I will never regret having a baby, and this past few week’s trains of thought has led me to Google how to apply for a passport for him despite the quarantine. Just in case we can find an opportunity to pack up and go.

I’ve had two major epiphanies this month.

1. Realizing that my anxiety is pretty high that I seriously thought about getting into cannabis to relieve it. A few hours of thinking about it of course resulted me to not pursue it but it became a measure that made me realize how much anxiety I’ve been having lately.

2. Today’s Gospel at Mass with Father Caluag and it made me question, if what I’m currently doing is still my calling and what God wants me to do with my life. In his homily he mentioned that when God’s calling you to do something and asking you to pursue it relentlessly, He will hone your talents to equip you.

So... I had to stop there. What really are my talents and are they being put to good use? I’m not in a rut, I’m feeling like I’m in the middle of a drought.

I’m so unmotivated that I haven’t taken my son out for a walk in 3 weeks.  Instead of being active and exercising I’d rather be a couch potato coz I feel extremely tired.  Every single time my computer chimes that I have a new e-mail, I feel like I’m about to palpitate.

These are all too familiar. I’ve felt this All before.  I felt this when I had to take a one month off to regain footing. This time it feels extra difficult, like boss level hard because I have my own family and a baby to support.


Top these thoughts off with the biggest question: where in the world will I even go?

Hello from 2020

So I did not write on you the whole of 2019! I’m really surprised but at the same time NOT surprised that it would take a pandemic to make me go back to writing on my Blogspot.

I did write a post back in October 2, 2018 and I titled it Resuscitate creative Camille.

Who I was back then is like the Flash who hops on different timelines and feels the exact same way because hello, here I am, Camille from 2020, feeling this ugh, annoying, familiar feeling.

Except back then I felt like I was more eloquent, even if on that particular post I was already pining for the way I was before.  Younger me. Oh my, this just feels like Inception.

Small life update, been married for a year, and have a 6 month old Chewie in tow.

But feeling the same feelings. Feelings of wanting to be the bright, creative girl I used to be.

Except now, it’s not just lip service. I actually did a pretty big order on Lazada for nail art.



Hopefully I’ll be able to hop on again, for an update... in trying to resuscitate creative Camille. 2 years in the making.

Check up

I think if its’s a question of does the Catholic church still nourish and inspire me...

Yes.. I can honestly answer it still does.

Happy birthday to the love of my life

People may not understand but I threw Josh a bachelor's birthday party since it's going to be his last birthday as a single guy. 

I just felt like celebrating the life of the great guy that he is who committed to marry me and make me a very happy woman as much as he possibly can.  He deserved to feel special on this momentous time of his life. His last year as a bachelor. 

I did not ever imagine I'd be living my life in 2018 planning a wedding and 2019 actually walking down the aisle. I honestly believed that I'd live my life alone with 10 cats. 

Somehow this weekend made me look back to the 2 surreal years of being with him.  Being loved by him.

32. 

We'll be marrying at 32. 

We were 30 when we met.  Not expecting much from our first encounter. Who would have thought less than 2 years into the relationship we'd find each other engaged. 

Choice. 

I made a choice to love him.  He was not void of the warning signs I'd usually get from guys who could potentially break my heart. However, one fateful afternoon, I decided I would give him a chance.  

He had a good relationship with his family which I felt was representative that he was a decent person.  He talked about his work a lot, not negatively.  Which made me feel he was an honest, hardworking person. He was a geek, asking if I'd be interested in attending a Yule Ball that coming Christmas season in 2016.  I found him interesting.  Every time I went out with him, he made me feel like all his attention was on me. 

I am just grateful and thankful. I never expected to be loved in the way he loves me.  Before him, I've gotten used to the feeling of never getting a 2nd date... or mixed, jammed signals from guys I've dated.  Always feeling inadequate as to why it never worked out. 

Now I know why. I had to trust the heartbreak, I had to trust the wait. 

I was getting myself ready for the ultimate romance of my life. Not like the ones that I imagined and read off from the romance novels I loved to indulge in. It was the type that just crept in... It was not fireworks and huge gestures. It was mundane, real life stuff which is why I think it's special. 

He makes me feel life by how much support he gives me. He never gets tired of attending my speaking engagements even when I feel like he's already memorizing my talking points. He always makes time when I tell him we need to spend time with my family.  He goes overtime during moments I have no choice but to have a late night in the office.  He plays with my nephews and nieces and is always an awesome entertainer and uncle to them. He reaches out to my brother and sisters whenever he can to make me feel like he's making an effort to be close to them.

I'm looking forward to a life with him. 

I threw him a party because he makes me a very grateful, blessed woman every waking day of my life. 

I'm a simple girl with only two dreams in life - the dream of being loved and the dream of making my own family. 

I love you. You are the ultimate love of my life. Thank you for being you. 

Resuscitate creative Camille

After a long, hard, stressful work day I ended up asking Josh to meet me since he's the ultimate security blanket I have. 

Hannah did not get to ride the shuttle due to the extra long discussion so she ended up joining us. 

It was all pretty mundane during dinner. 

Conversations shared were about wedding preps and work here and there over Gringo roast chicken and crispy pork belly and house iced tea.

Some more walking around doing what our original excuse was for meeting up - check on furniture. 

Yep... Same old, same old.  

As we move from store to store, I start feeling my legs feeling tired. 

I was having another moment.... Why have I gotten this old that I can't have the same endurance and energy that I used to? 

I used to be able to walk super long walking all over Megamall, scouring the mall for fashion finds and hanging out at coffee shops. Life as a single working woman in her late 20s living in Quezon City. 

In recent months, I've still been trying to get used to the fact that: 

a. I'm living in my own house, no one's cleaning after me I need to fend for myself 

b. Adjusting to a life in the province wherein everything isn't as accessible as it was for a city girl like me 

c. I'm about to get married, aside from my now 7 cats, I need to take care of another person 

d. all of the above plus.. work...plus wedding... 

In hindsight... It was not just today that has got me thinking about my life now.  It was last Friday, when I decided to go on sick leave/work from home because I was feeling quite tired, having a massive migraine, and feeling as if I had a fever bubbling up inside of me. 

It was that weekend that I realized, I AM NOT THE GIRL THAT I USED TO BE. I need to give my body much more rest now that it's older. 

Fast forward to tonight's events.. Josh wanted to have coffee so we proceeded to Seattle's Best. 

And it happened there.. 

Hannah opened the conversation about an e-mail update I sent my close friends end of 2015 entitled Camille's Dating Status. 

Browsing through my penchant musings about being tired of dating... then it hit me.  I felt like I was looking into the life of a stranger. 

Damn... was I interesting back then. And that I want to believe I still am a good writer.  

We ended up discussing about how if I were to create my content for the sake of creating... I'd probably come up with an online novel as I did back in University. 

I've forgotten all about these things because lately... I feel like I've lost all my individuality, quirks, personality and everything that I was and just think of myself as the decisions I have to make for the company. 

I need to get Camille back. Current Camille is no fun. 

I don't want my identity to just be the decisions I have to make... and the decision maker. 

I am Camille, who used to review makeup, used to do nail art, used to write online novels, creative Camille. 

Let's get her back.  Resuscitate creative Camille. 

to my boyfriend

Hi Josh!

Stop stalking me :)

Realization nowadays... Through my leadership sessions/guidance counselling/shrink meetings..


We are not what we do... We have different facets... We are not just one thing in our total being.


We need to learn how to come up with a priority list and allocate time accordingly based on whats on our top shelf priorities.


Transitions are changes... Changes and in betweens... It will never feel normal and it can throw us off... especially when we're creatures of habit.


But it's not permanent.


Instead of focusing on the discomfort, focus on what have already been accomplished, focus on things we need to be grateful for.

Insight

Stop. 

Realize how blessed your life is. 

Repeat 1,000,000 x infinity times. 

New Year's Word for Today

Jon Gordon offers practical New Year’s resolutions: 1) ‘Stay positive. You can listen to the cynics and believe success is impossible, or believe “with God all things are possible.” 2) Each day when you awake complete this statement: “My purpose is ____________.” 3) Take a morning walk of gratitude. It creates a fertile mind for success. You can’t be stressed and thankful at the same time, and when you combine gratitude with physical exercise you give yourself a double-boost of positive energy and natural anti-depressants. 4) Instead of being disappointed about where you are, think optimistically about where you’re going. 5) Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college-kid with a maxed-out charge card! 6) Believe that everything happens for a reason, and good things come from challenging experiences. 7) Don’t waste energy on gossip...past issues...negative thoughts...and things you can’t control. Invest in the positive, present moment. 8) Mentor someone and be mentored by someone. 9) Live with the 3 E’s: Energy. Enthusiasm. Empathy. 10) Remember there’s no substitute for hard work. 11) Zoom-Focus: ask yourself, “What are the three most important things I need to do today?” 12) Implement the “No complaining” rule. Complaining is like vomiting; afterwards you feel better but people around you feel sick! 13) Read more books than you did last year. 14) Get more rest. You can’t replace sleep with a double latte! 15) Before bed complete these statements: “I’m thankful for____” “Today I accomplished____” 16)Think of your mind like a garden. If you weed the negative and feed the positive for one day it doesn’t do much, but when you do it every day you create a magnificent garden.’

<3

So this is how legitimate love feels like...

It's easy, comfortable and it feels like home.

Gratitude

I'm thankful for being given an opportunity to speak at yesterday's GK assembly.  It made be go way back into my blog entries from years ago and it reminded me how much I took strength from my faith.

May every single day of my life be like that.

Yesterday it hit me... 

How financially uncomfortable it is to be building a house.

The feeling is beyond the description of regular adulting. If adulting had different kinds like siopao, this feeling would qualify as extra special asado siopao. 

For now, I'll just use my money for building my house and groceries.. Because cooking my own food is much more cost effective than eating or ordering out. 

See you soon, Paris

How I feel about Tour de France 2.0

God, let's do this. 

So much #truth

Preach, bruh. 

So this is why.. 

When you mom so hard..

Tikka, stop growing. I want you to be a baby forever! 

A poem my dad made for me 8 years ago..

A WOMAN IN BLOOM



When it was done in six days he knew that it was good.

He designed with perfection and built with joy and affection.

No light or shadow, no fragrance or color was out of place.

He hung the stars, the sun and the moon like jewels in space.

Summer followed spring and morning came after evening.

Life moved with precision, no room or second for indecision.

Human was good for nature and nature was good for human.

Cause, formula and price were right according to the plan.

Every human could afford mandarin with egg and aloe vera.

Any bug would flee from the smell of calendula and citronella.

The branding was brilliant and the marketing was excellent.

Everyone was able and available, hardworking and enduring.

But beyond the logic, the dream, the glitter and the magic,

Were… uncorrupted hearts, and minds that were unpolluted.

Purest and clearest of all was the second to the youngest,

Loyal, loving and caring, simple, able and simply beautiful

Camille of the scents and the flowers, mimim to her admirers

Secret ingredient, it factor, silent worker, heart in human nature

God’s plan is perfect, the flowers are blooming…the lady is in love.

All’s well with the world, on the seventh day… he rested.