Camille's Dating Status 2015

After a whole year of meeting countless guys and not remembering how many I've actually met this year or all their names... I can say I'm done. 

What happened?  What resulted to this decision? 

GOING TO FRANCE. 

Of course it wasn't just going to the land of baguette and saucisson literally.  

But first, a short background. 

The whole of 2015 have been countless meetups with boys I've met through different apps: 

OKCupid

Tinder 

Happn 

Not included are the other dating apps I had as well like Bumble.. (Coffee Meets Bagel isn't available in the region yet) 

I have to say, I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed exchanging random conversations with random dudes whether it be here in Manila, in Korea, Taiwan, Cebu, actually in all the cities I've been to.  I've obsessed about checking out the male population in any given area. 

I have to admit it was meaningful conversation mostly that got me hooked on these apps.  I really like learning about how other people beyond my circle lived their lives, their cultures, their day-to-day existence.  However, deep inside I know I was also getting satiated in a different way.  I was craving for a different kind of attention from these men.  It's that random stroke in my ego that they'd find me cute, or pretty or sometimes amazing that made me turn obsessively on these apps in my spare time. 

Why? 

I've grown up in an environment wherein I'd get complimented when I looked my best and get called out if I should lose 10 more pounds or if my dress was cutting my legs because of its length.  

Getting complimented physically growing up of course is not the fault of my parents.  All Filipino or Asian parents I know do it. 

It was only in my 20s that I realized the impact this had on me and my morale or confidence.  Since it was the most common "measure" of what the "elders" see you, it somehow became an identity.  When I go to a gathering and I don't get complimented, I would start to think that something was wrong because that Tita complimented me on looking nice before.  

One thing I realized I had though is the adjective "sexy".  Not only did I hate the term, I hated how freely it's used to describe women and even little girls here in the Philippines as if it's a good word to be described as.  

I'm getting a little sidetracked but I believe it's this age old conditioning on getting affirmation on your looks that is also making me crave this attention from guys I freely get from these dating apps.  In the same way that I get affirmation, when things don't work out, I also blame it on my looks.  "Maybe I wasn't thin enough..." or "I'm sure he liked my personality but maybe he didn't like the way I looked" these thoughts would keep me up at night sometimes when things don't work out.  

I got totally consumed by thoughts of finding men that would like/love me which led me to sign up to every other dating app I could find on iTunes. 

Alas.. The opportunity of going to France came.  Day in, day out... Giving at least 2 talks in a day, on some days  4.  It completely took my mind out of this whole dating fiasco I voluntary signed up for.  France is amazing. Nothing I've seen before since it was my first time in Europe.  It didn't just give me a peek to a different world.. It gave me a different perspective. 

All these people I'd encounter, students, teachers, parents, CEOs, people on the streets.. All gathered in these events where they want to learn something about what we do in the Philippines.  

Then it hit me. There's so much more in this world that needs to take up my brain space and why was I wasting it on the mere fact that I don't have a boyfriend or a husband at 29 years old? 

The world is a great, vast place which is comprised of amazing people in their own unique ways.  Why do I have to stress about not having anyone when there's so much in this life to appreciate?  Why should I focus on what's lacking when there's so much that's already been filled? 

To this day, I've went on for almost a month without re-downloading or viewing anything dating app related.  

I have no urge to "fish" despite knowing that there are so many fish in the sea. 

For now, I'll just exist.

I'll exist trying to work on the things I need to do better, improve my work ethic, speak at more events about social entrepreneurship, continue living out my faith with the things I do.

I know at the end of the day God will give me what's for me at the right time.  I just need to focus on what He wants me to do and not fixate on the desires I long to have, gaps I need to fill.

I will exist happily knowing that at the end of the day, He's got my back covered.  He's got this.  We got this.

다시... Clazziquai
Better Together by Jack Johnson
Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor and John Legend
Chasing Pavements by Adele

All these feels.

Goals

This week's target: 

Nourish my mind

Nourish my body 

Nourish my spirit 

Been feeling quite toxic lately. Must get back my health in all these aspects.

I feel like having something bitter with something sweet. 

Strong black coffee with a piece of chocolate. 

A sip, then a small bite. Alternating the two flavors that harmonizes inside my mouth. 

What it means to belong to God...

Belonging to Christ means you lost the right to take your talents, opportunities and experiences and run off in any direction you please. But why would you even want to? What could possibly be more fulfilling than God’s purpose for your life? And what could be more tragic than missing it? You can’t wring enough meaning out of secular accomplishments to satisfy your soul. The hole you’re trying to fill has an eternal dimension only Christ can fill. That’s why you must pray, ‘Lord, show me Your vision for my life'

This was last Saturday's devotional. 

A lot to think about in this short paragraph. 

Take no bull crap. 

These are my confessions...

I briefly went to Megamall to get my passport renewed. I've booked a ticket to Korea for November and by then, my passport would have less than six months validity... Counting down D-104.

Not the main point...

So as I was was walking around I deliberately did not pass through the halls of where H&M, Forever21, Bershka, etc are.

I have been trying not to shop for the last few weeks just because I know I don't need more stuff and I need to save money for the house anyway..

Aside from that, had a short chat with a new co-worker who's sworn off buying anything new unless its fair trade because of the documentary she watched - True Cost.

Hmmm...

So as I was making my way back to where I parked... I saw Pull & Bear... In big arse red fonts.... S-A-L-E.

I literally was talking to myself... "look away... You don't need it... Wag! 못싸~ 미쳤니?"

Yep... Had to result to using all the languages I know just to convince myself not to go...

In the end...

I succeeded.

YES!!!!!!

Hungry

I wonder how it feels like.. To be someone else's world. 

I wonder how it is like.. To love and be loved in return. 

I wonder how it would be like.. To wake up each morning and know that you are someone's reason for breathing. 

All this I can only wonder about as I don't think I've ever tasted that brand of love. 

I'm sure it will be sweet in the same way as it is bitter. Either way, I'm sure there will be a harmonious balance between the two. 

Any moment now.. I would like to be able to curate, taste and relish each morsel of it. 

Any day. Someday.

I may not be what you initially expected and that's okay. 

There are days that I am not on. I actually am not on most days and that's just how it is. 

I may seem like a different person in different situations. That is because I struggle everyday to find myself and be my best even just for that day. 

I don't have my life planned out. I can only think of schedules up to two months ahead. 

I am not ambitious. I take life as it is. It may be the opposite of what people initially expect of me. I just aspire a normal, harmonious life. 

I do not have a cunning personality or a knack for business. I am not typically the most decisive person especially because I empathize with people too much not to be swayed by their situations. 

I am not a lot of things that you may expect of me. However, to those who know me and have accepted that, they see glimmers of brightness some way or another. 

I have passions. I have a deep desire to make people happy. I am multi-faceted. I could have bouts of random genius. 

It will take time for you to discover that. Once you've cancelled all the initial expectations you have of me, then you will see. 

This... 

With the flowers and all... 

No bull

I may be at a point in life where I can honestly say that I would love to have a kid already.

I'm past saying the bullshit that I'm not ready because the person with me isn't. 

Now that I am my own, I can speak for myself. 

However, for now I know I need to focus on what's on my plate - work, managing my finances and building my house this year. 

Been 29 for a month now. It does feel quite different. It feels more adult. 

I need to just manage the wants vs the realities and take life as it comes. 

Learning to fall in love with my life

Been quite stressed lately about so many different things... 

In this morning's reflection, instead of focusing on the stress, I thought about all the people I should thank and express my gratitude towards. 

It was probably a shock for my parents to receive my "i love you" message this morning since I'm not quite the type who'd do that. 

Secret heart

I realized that whenever my heart cries out for God in my most desperate moments, He always send short glimmers of hope like post-it notes to remind me that he is everpresent.

He knows the desires of my heart. 

Lord, I will say it again, if it is not Your will, please give me the courage and peace to accept Your version of "no". 

Elliptical road and pot holes

Comfort zones. 

I realized something today about them.. 

As I was driving home with Celine in the passenger seat fast asleep.. I take my usual route when I'm coming from somewhere south which is go through Quezon City elliptical road and exit towards Commonwealth. 

I knew that every single time as I stick right to prepare to exit, I would always, always hit a certain deep pothole despite passing through it several times. It feels as if I never learn. 

Then it dawned on me why I always fall for the same trap every single time. Its because its my comfort zone to stick extremely right as to not miss my exit but I would always fall on the pothole. If I would only drive a bit straight and not be a segurista when it comes to exiting, my beat up car would actually be less beat up.. My tires won't be as worn, my suspension won't be too messed up. 

I guess its the same with life. When we want all the security and guarantee we tend to miss certain benefits about living a bit spontaneously. 

Lesson learned, sure is not always the best way.

I trust..

Okay.

I will.

After spending an afternoon with you, I find myself saying goodnight exceptionally early. 

Not because I don't want to talk to you anymore. And its not because of the excuse I gave you that I had a long day and I'm sleepy. 

It's honestly just because I need a moment to recover and catch my breath. 

You just have that effect in me. 

Weekend round up

Crazy end of the week! I don't know how many curve balls were thrown my way. 

Life is not easy.

However, life becomes bearable when you have a great support system that you can always run to when you're feeling lost.

God has blessed me to belong to a good family where lines of communication are always open and good friends, soulmates to bounce off the bad stuff and always discuss the good in every situation.

Friday night cocktails and coffee 

Saturday hongkong food trip

Sunday afternoon silliness 

I will always and forever be thankful to God for blessing me with the necessary tools for me to survive. 

Love this life

I would just like to pause for a moment and just appreciate the simple joys and small bundles of happiness I experience in my rather stressful life. 

Thank you God for blessing me with people that make me realize the good in every day. 

Pre-Monday

Sometimes getting a "good morning" or a "goodnight" is all I need to face the chaos that will unravel before me once I open my eyes tomorrow morning. 

Letting God work in me

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded' (James 4:7-8 NKJV). God will do His part, but you must do yours. God will extend grace to you, but you must act on it. - Word for Today 

Recurring theme this week, let God work in you. I'm just too stubborn and I always let my emotions rage on first before calling out to Him. 

Back from my charging station - Seoul

Thoughts at 1:30am about being almost 30.

I just got back from Korea and I feel that whenever I'm there, I'm not touring, experiencing the attractions, sightseeing. I'm mainly there to regain some balance within myself by spending a good amount of time being alone and at the same time spending time with dear friends that have been a part in defining the Camille that I am today. 

Its been almost 13 years that I have known these people. This trip to Korea made me reminisce and feel sentimental about how we used to be and how we are now. 

Our spending habits are different now compared to when I first started coming to Korea some winters ago. Back then, our budget for food would only be 3000-5000won tops and that would probably consist of cheese ramyeon, ddukbokki or bibimbap. Nowadays, our priorities are different. We now think about which has the most amount of veggies, or which is the most beneficial for our health and of course since Uri is pregnant, which will best suit her taste and the baby. 

I was never the type who had goals set on what I should have accomplished when I'm 30 back when I was younger. Now I just feel.. Oh so this is how late 20s feels like. It's pretty okay. I feel okay. Life is good. 

I'm just going to try to sit back and enjoy the ride. Life and God has so much in store for me. I have learned the past few weeks as its a consistent message thats been recurring that I need not worry. I need not be anxious. To stay faithful to God's plan for my life is what I need to do. How I will achieve it is by keeping my promises to my mission in life and continuously pray to God to lead me and my actions. 

This is the end of my Easter thoughts. Now, I must rest. Tomorrow, we hustle.