Jobs inspired me to not be inspired

 The movie about Steve Jobs called Jobs just came out on Netflix and my husband and I watched it tonight. 

I’ve read up, watched and known Steve Jobs for awhile and know how huge of an icon he is for our century and generation. 

As I watched the end credits and saw his life story unfold, learned about what he has done...just re-affirmed the fact that despite being the peg of every innovator, entrepreneur - Jobs is absolutely not my cup of tea.

I quietly told Josh: “I don’t feel inspired by him. He’s.... vile.” 

Unpopular opinion, I have no drop of blood in my body that aspires to be like him. 

“So who actually inspires you?” Josh asked. 

That’s a damn good question because no one really came to mind at that very moment. 

As I brought sleeping Chewie upstairs and prepared to settle down for the night, I was lost in thought in the shower with the resounding question: Who inspires you? 

My mom - for being so loving, caring and raising us. She’s the epitome of a woman to me, graceful but with quiet strength. 

Morgan Harper Nichols. She just gets lost in her thought and beautiful words and artwork come out of it. An encourager who brings positivity through her art. A new mom like me. 

Z! Feminine, hardworking, introvert Z who just happens to accomplish so much without making it about her and her own personal branding. A silent force of good - not only through her art but also in her love for those in need. 

Thinking about the women who came to mind as inspiring led me to the conclusion that I am not inspired by the greatness, the impact, the outright glamour... I am inspired by qualities. Qualities that I give importance to and qualities that I aspire to have. 

Another question worth pondering about for me was, when am I most proud of what I am doing?  

This will be for a different day. 

2 epiphanies.

Wow..I’ve outdone myself. 2 posts this year and it’s only July!

So I’ve been going through some stuff for the past 2-3 weeks...or practically the whole of July. The heart wrenching, focus-robbing anxiety is back.

I feel like I’ve been doing something for the past 2 years that I thought I’d get the hang of, I thought I’d learn as I used to do in all my previous experiences but somehow I feel like I didn’t.

Has my learning curve changed? Has giving birth and getting an epidural caused my brain to function way less than before? Probably.

With this pandemic not ending any time soon, the lack of venues for me to relieve stress has probably driven me insane.

In previous years it will only take a bottle of beer and nachos with Hannah,  or a short trip to the mall with a makeup or clothing purchase or if we wanna go waaaay back, I’d be spontaneously scheduling a flight for a solo trip to Seoul.

But now, with Chewie and this huge elephant-in-the-room pandemic, I feel like the whole situation robbed me off all my coping mechanisms.

No, I will never regret having a baby, and this past few week’s trains of thought has led me to Google how to apply for a passport for him despite the quarantine. Just in case we can find an opportunity to pack up and go.

I’ve had two major epiphanies this month.

1. Realizing that my anxiety is pretty high that I seriously thought about getting into cannabis to relieve it. A few hours of thinking about it of course resulted me to not pursue it but it became a measure that made me realize how much anxiety I’ve been having lately.

2. Today’s Gospel at Mass with Father Caluag and it made me question, if what I’m currently doing is still my calling and what God wants me to do with my life. In his homily he mentioned that when God’s calling you to do something and asking you to pursue it relentlessly, He will hone your talents to equip you.

So... I had to stop there. What really are my talents and are they being put to good use? I’m not in a rut, I’m feeling like I’m in the middle of a drought.

I’m so unmotivated that I haven’t taken my son out for a walk in 3 weeks.  Instead of being active and exercising I’d rather be a couch potato coz I feel extremely tired.  Every single time my computer chimes that I have a new e-mail, I feel like I’m about to palpitate.

These are all too familiar. I’ve felt this All before.  I felt this when I had to take a one month off to regain footing. This time it feels extra difficult, like boss level hard because I have my own family and a baby to support.


Top these thoughts off with the biggest question: where in the world will I even go?

Hello from 2020

So I did not write on you the whole of 2019! I’m really surprised but at the same time NOT surprised that it would take a pandemic to make me go back to writing on my Blogspot.

I did write a post back in October 2, 2018 and I titled it Resuscitate creative Camille.

Who I was back then is like the Flash who hops on different timelines and feels the exact same way because hello, here I am, Camille from 2020, feeling this ugh, annoying, familiar feeling.

Except back then I felt like I was more eloquent, even if on that particular post I was already pining for the way I was before.  Younger me. Oh my, this just feels like Inception.

Small life update, been married for a year, and have a 6 month old Chewie in tow.

But feeling the same feelings. Feelings of wanting to be the bright, creative girl I used to be.

Except now, it’s not just lip service. I actually did a pretty big order on Lazada for nail art.



Hopefully I’ll be able to hop on again, for an update... in trying to resuscitate creative Camille. 2 years in the making.