Camille's Dating Status 2015

After a whole year of meeting countless guys and not remembering how many I've actually met this year or all their names... I can say I'm done. 

What happened?  What resulted to this decision? 

GOING TO FRANCE. 

Of course it wasn't just going to the land of baguette and saucisson literally.  

But first, a short background. 

The whole of 2015 have been countless meetups with boys I've met through different apps: 

OKCupid

Tinder 

Happn 

Not included are the other dating apps I had as well like Bumble.. (Coffee Meets Bagel isn't available in the region yet) 

I have to say, I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed exchanging random conversations with random dudes whether it be here in Manila, in Korea, Taiwan, Cebu, actually in all the cities I've been to.  I've obsessed about checking out the male population in any given area. 

I have to admit it was meaningful conversation mostly that got me hooked on these apps.  I really like learning about how other people beyond my circle lived their lives, their cultures, their day-to-day existence.  However, deep inside I know I was also getting satiated in a different way.  I was craving for a different kind of attention from these men.  It's that random stroke in my ego that they'd find me cute, or pretty or sometimes amazing that made me turn obsessively on these apps in my spare time. 

Why? 

I've grown up in an environment wherein I'd get complimented when I looked my best and get called out if I should lose 10 more pounds or if my dress was cutting my legs because of its length.  

Getting complimented physically growing up of course is not the fault of my parents.  All Filipino or Asian parents I know do it. 

It was only in my 20s that I realized the impact this had on me and my morale or confidence.  Since it was the most common "measure" of what the "elders" see you, it somehow became an identity.  When I go to a gathering and I don't get complimented, I would start to think that something was wrong because that Tita complimented me on looking nice before.  

One thing I realized I had though is the adjective "sexy".  Not only did I hate the term, I hated how freely it's used to describe women and even little girls here in the Philippines as if it's a good word to be described as.  

I'm getting a little sidetracked but I believe it's this age old conditioning on getting affirmation on your looks that is also making me crave this attention from guys I freely get from these dating apps.  In the same way that I get affirmation, when things don't work out, I also blame it on my looks.  "Maybe I wasn't thin enough..." or "I'm sure he liked my personality but maybe he didn't like the way I looked" these thoughts would keep me up at night sometimes when things don't work out.  

I got totally consumed by thoughts of finding men that would like/love me which led me to sign up to every other dating app I could find on iTunes. 

Alas.. The opportunity of going to France came.  Day in, day out... Giving at least 2 talks in a day, on some days  4.  It completely took my mind out of this whole dating fiasco I voluntary signed up for.  France is amazing. Nothing I've seen before since it was my first time in Europe.  It didn't just give me a peek to a different world.. It gave me a different perspective. 

All these people I'd encounter, students, teachers, parents, CEOs, people on the streets.. All gathered in these events where they want to learn something about what we do in the Philippines.  

Then it hit me. There's so much more in this world that needs to take up my brain space and why was I wasting it on the mere fact that I don't have a boyfriend or a husband at 29 years old? 

The world is a great, vast place which is comprised of amazing people in their own unique ways.  Why do I have to stress about not having anyone when there's so much in this life to appreciate?  Why should I focus on what's lacking when there's so much that's already been filled? 

To this day, I've went on for almost a month without re-downloading or viewing anything dating app related.  

I have no urge to "fish" despite knowing that there are so many fish in the sea. 

For now, I'll just exist.

I'll exist trying to work on the things I need to do better, improve my work ethic, speak at more events about social entrepreneurship, continue living out my faith with the things I do.

I know at the end of the day God will give me what's for me at the right time.  I just need to focus on what He wants me to do and not fixate on the desires I long to have, gaps I need to fill.

I will exist happily knowing that at the end of the day, He's got my back covered.  He's got this.  We got this.