2 epiphanies.

Wow..I’ve outdone myself. 2 posts this year and it’s only July!

So I’ve been going through some stuff for the past 2-3 weeks...or practically the whole of July. The heart wrenching, focus-robbing anxiety is back.

I feel like I’ve been doing something for the past 2 years that I thought I’d get the hang of, I thought I’d learn as I used to do in all my previous experiences but somehow I feel like I didn’t.

Has my learning curve changed? Has giving birth and getting an epidural caused my brain to function way less than before? Probably.

With this pandemic not ending any time soon, the lack of venues for me to relieve stress has probably driven me insane.

In previous years it will only take a bottle of beer and nachos with Hannah,  or a short trip to the mall with a makeup or clothing purchase or if we wanna go waaaay back, I’d be spontaneously scheduling a flight for a solo trip to Seoul.

But now, with Chewie and this huge elephant-in-the-room pandemic, I feel like the whole situation robbed me off all my coping mechanisms.

No, I will never regret having a baby, and this past few week’s trains of thought has led me to Google how to apply for a passport for him despite the quarantine. Just in case we can find an opportunity to pack up and go.

I’ve had two major epiphanies this month.

1. Realizing that my anxiety is pretty high that I seriously thought about getting into cannabis to relieve it. A few hours of thinking about it of course resulted me to not pursue it but it became a measure that made me realize how much anxiety I’ve been having lately.

2. Today’s Gospel at Mass with Father Caluag and it made me question, if what I’m currently doing is still my calling and what God wants me to do with my life. In his homily he mentioned that when God’s calling you to do something and asking you to pursue it relentlessly, He will hone your talents to equip you.

So... I had to stop there. What really are my talents and are they being put to good use? I’m not in a rut, I’m feeling like I’m in the middle of a drought.

I’m so unmotivated that I haven’t taken my son out for a walk in 3 weeks.  Instead of being active and exercising I’d rather be a couch potato coz I feel extremely tired.  Every single time my computer chimes that I have a new e-mail, I feel like I’m about to palpitate.

These are all too familiar. I’ve felt this All before.  I felt this when I had to take a one month off to regain footing. This time it feels extra difficult, like boss level hard because I have my own family and a baby to support.


Top these thoughts off with the biggest question: where in the world will I even go?